What Were They Thinking?

The other day I was browsing the toy isle in our local super store. I spotted something I thought my daughter would like as she is a huge animal lover. It was Barbie with a dog. So cute, I thought but as I inspected further it was not what I expected. There was also a dog bowl and a pooper scooper. In the dog bowl were what I thought were dog biscuits and I guess they were but then they were also used as poop.

So you feed the biscuit to the dog and then you push the tail down and it comes out of the dog's tooshie. Then you use the pooper scooper and.....put it back in the bowl??? YUCK! I already have a miniature pinscher that mistakes dog droppings for food. I don't need a toy dog in the house that eats it's own poop too!

Hearing Loss

I received a phone call from the school nurse today. She informed me that my 5 yr old daughter did not do well on her anual hearing test that they do at school. they repeated the hearing test 3 times, 3 different days with the same result. My daughter is not hearing low frequency.
Tomorrow I will call to make her an appointment with an audiologist. There is deafness and hearing loss in the family, so the possibility of having a child with some hearing issues is not a surprise. The timing however is. I didn't expect another health issue to pop up in the family before the end of the year. All we can do is roll with the punches and deal with it.

Jane's Vegetarian Burritos

My family's conversion to vegetarianism is getting easier. Last night I made a vegetarian meal that my teenage sons devoured. I haven't gotten many rave reviews from my 17 year old son on the vegetarian meals but he loved this one.

Black Bean and Spinach Burritos
However, if kids have an aversion to the words "beans" and "spinach" then just call them vegetarian burritos.

2 cans of black beans
1 can of corn
1 cup salsa (homemade or jarred)
2 tsp. cumin or 1 pkg. taco seasoning
1 pkg frozen chopped spinach thawed and drained

I mashed 1 can of the beans up and then mixed everything in a skillet on medium heat. Cooked until heated through and mixed well.
Have topping you want available. Grated cheese, onions, lettuce, taco sauce ect...wrap in tortillas and enjoy.
*If you like sour cream in your burritos, a healthier option is non fat plain yogurt. You'd be surprised how good of a replacement that is to sour cream.
This recipe would work fine for hard of soft tacos too.

A New Husband

My husband Jim shaved his long scruffy beard off and cut his hair the other day. The change is so drastic I just had to share a couple of snapshots taken in my kitchen.
Before and After - taken 1 day apart.

Good News!

I went for my check up with the Oncologist this week. Good news to report. The scan showed that the cancer has not spread at all. There has been minor changes but nothing of significance. Nothing that would indicate that the lymphoma has progressed.
My blood tests came back good also. I just need to continue with iron and B-12 supplements twice a day.
I have graduated to getting a scan in 6 months instead of 3 months, which is very good in the light of a recent study that shows that multiple ct scans can cause cancer. That put people with lymphoma in a bind since we very often rely on scans for tracking the cancer and if it is spreading or growing. I can not worry about that however, I am just glad that I have 6 months before my next scan and I have until March before I need to set foot back at the cancer center. As long nothing changes ofcourse.
Thank you for all the support and encouraging words from all of you. Please continue to keep me in your thoughts and prayers. It is very much appreciated!

Scanxiety

I have been a bad blogger lately. I have been a bit depressed and stressed out worrying about the scan that I had upcoming to check on the cancer. I learned there is a made-up term that lymphoma patients used for the anxiety that we have before scans to check on the progress or lack of progress of the lymphoma. They call it "scanxiety".
It has been 3 months since my last scan. I went yesterday for the scan and for about 2 weeks leading up to the scan I was (and still am) quite the stressed out mess. So yesterday, 2 hours before my scan time I needed to drink a bottle of barium. A note to anyone who has never had barium scans, if you ever do...make sure you chill the barium and drink it cold. When it is warm it is enough to make the strongest stomach turn. Chilled, it is managable for me.
My Oncologist is an hour drive from my house. When I left for Delaware yesterday morning it was very very foggy, drizzly and just dreary. Driving over the Delaware Memorial Bridge I could not see anything off the side of the bridge and maybe only 20 feet in front of me. I was extremely stressed about the scan and felt like I was driving to my death with all the mist around me. My overly dramatic mind takes me to these places once in a while.
I was almost in tears when the radio station I was listening to went completely static. So I hit the button to just go to the next station. What could possibly be the perfect song that I needed to hear at that time? "I Will Survive" by Gloria Gaynor. It completely picked up my spirits. It is amazing how music can do that.
So tomorrow I will find out the results and hopefully I will have good news to report.
On a side note, thank you to all the people who have either emailed or called me asking if I was okay because I hadn't posted to the blog. It warmed my heart that so many people in the past few days have contacted me saying they missed me posting to the blog and were worried about me. I am going to try to keep to posting regularly again.
(((hugs to all)))

Backyard Nature

I took a walk around the backyard today...

No Stealing My Minutes

The other week I was at a little girl's birthday party from my daughter's class. While there, visiting with a couple of the other mothers, one mother tells me about the Red Box rentals at the local Acme store. The Red Box has new release DVDs for rent for just $1.00
The next time I was at Acme I saw the box and decided to try it out. So, I rented a movie for 1 dollar. It had to be back in 24 hours. We watched the movie that night and I went to take it back the next day. I had just done food shopping the day before when I rented the DVD so I was just dropping it off. As I was walking in the store a woman and a child were walking in front of me. They went right to the Red Box and started looking through the selection of DVDs.
I waited behind them. After about 10 minutes, they had gone through all the selection of DVDs and couldn't decide what to rent and hit the button to start all over again. I politely asked if she would mind if I just dropped the DVD off real quick since they were starting over. (It only takes a second to drop the DVD off but you can not do it while someone else is using it)
The woman became very irate and told me how rude it was for me to ask that. I was so taken aback. I said I was sorry and that I thought it would just take a second and was only asking if she minded. Obviously she did mind so I would wait.
She turned to me, apparently annoyed that I was still standing there waiting to drop off the DVD and yelled at me to go shopping while they finished choosing what they wanted to rent.
Flabbergasted, I said, "Wow, ok...have a nice day" and I walked away. I didn't need to do any shopping, I was only there to drop off my DVD but I didn't need to be yelled at either so I walked around the store and just watched to see when she left.
After I saw she had left, I dropped off the DVD which literally took 2 seconds. On my drive home I was steaming over how the woman treated me. Had I known asking if I could drop off the DVD would have gotten such an angry reaction from her I never would have asked. I kept replaying over and over in my head, getting more and more angry over how she acted.
Then I realized what I was doing...I was letting this bad experience steal my joy, steal my minutes of my life. I decided I need to have a talk with myself. Now, I am not a person who talks outloud to herself all the time but this was a time I needed to.
I said, "Jane, this is not what life is about. DO not let this woman and how she treated you ruin your day. Do not let it steal another minute of your life. Do not allow yourself to go home to your family in a bad mood because of this. You have Follicular Lymphoma, a cancer with no cure. You do not know how many minutes you have left. Do not let those minutes be wasted being angry. You should have just waited patiently and not have even asked to pop the dvd in. Enjoy your minutes, don't let them be stolen away."
I went home and hugged my family. This was the first and only moment that I became grateful for what cancer has shown me. Had I not known that I have Lymphoma, I may not have taken the time to think about how I was letting time be wasted by my dwelling on a bad encounter with someone.
So for that... Cancer, I thank you...
I thank you for that lesson learned.

Jane's Vegetarian Chili

The week I needed to make dinner and didn't have a lot in the house to work with. I did have some cans of beans, 4 ounces of Monteray Jack Cheese, an onion, a green pepper and a jar of medium taco sauce.
So I mixed it all together and made chili. WOW, it turned out delicious. It was a little too spicey for me but perfect for my husband. I had some non-fat plain yogurt in the fridge. I added that to mine and it made it just right for me.
I made it again last night and we loved it just as much.

1 can of kidney beans
1 can black beans
1 can pinto beans
1 green pepper chopped
1 onion chopped
1 jar of taco sauce
4 oz. monteray jack cheese, diced up or grated
1/4 cup non-fat plain yogurt (optional)

I put the beans in a pot with the taco sauce and had that heating up on medium heat. chop the onion and green pepper. Add the onion and pepper. While that is cooking dice or grate the cheese. After the onions and peppers have cooked in the beans for a little while, add the cheese and stir until the cheese is melted.
Scoop into bowls and drop yogurt on top if desired. Enjoy!

Sickness Rules the House

I've had two sick kiddos. As usual, I'm sure it will run it's course through the family one by one. Just as one is getting better, another one comes down with the same thing. I've been spending time working some older pictures, coming up with new editing techniques that are a bit more dramatic.

More

Here are a few more from the other day.

Adding Water to a Photo

I love to do wild edits to my images. My latest obsession is adding water. I've done it before but recently have taken it up again. I bribed my oldest son to pose for me. He really doesn't like to be photographed so some bribing was needed. I will be including water images in my options for future client sessions. All of these images were taken in my backyard where there is no water, river, lakes or ponds. Just a photographer with a vivid imagination.

Bed in the Forest

I took an old bed and set it up in the woods behind my home. Put my daughter in a cute dress, perfect for a fairytale setting....took her out to the bed and let her just play away...jumping on the bed, laying on the bed, imagining that her bedroom was in the forest with the chipmunks and squirrels. We both had a wonderful time. It was so much fun and turned out so cute that I am now going to offer this as a session choice to future clients.

Getting Back to What I love

I've been a bit down lately. Living with cancer is a constant roller coaster ride of emotions. I decided what I needed was a good photo session with my favorite subject to photograph...My daughter...There will be more to come with this series as I get done editing them. I've edited these to look rather artsy. Almost a painted look.

Raw Tabouli

I tried a new recipe tonight. MMMMmmmmMMMMM it was so good. I never would have guessed eating a raw foods diet could be so good. So far so good. Tonight I made Raw Tabouli. I kind of mixed a couple recipe ideas for this. I used...

A bunch of fresh chopped cilantro

A bunch of fresh chopped parsley

A bunch of chopped scallions

4 tomatoes chopped

2 avocado chopped

1 tablespoon tahini (this would be fine to leave out)

the juice of 1 whole lemon

1 tablespoon olive oil

2 tablespoons honey

1 teaspoon sea salt

Just mixed it all together. I looked at it for a while trying to bring myself to try it. I had never eaten avocado before and parsley to me was a garnish you put on the side of a plate or added as dried flakes to a meal. Cilantro to me was a dried spice not something you eat fresh from the garden in a bunch. So, I ended up wrapping it up in a bowl and placing it in the refridgerator while I made the kids some pasta and raw veggies. I knew they were not ready to be pushed into eating Tabouli yet. So they ate their pasta and veggies and I went back to the fridge and took the bowl back out. I got myself a fork and dug in.

WOW! Now THAT is flavor! It was delicious. I am learning to get over my fears of trying new foods and recipes. I followed my son's example and took a picture of my dinner. :)

My Life Flashed Before my Eyes Today

What made my life flash before my eyes today? Did it have to do with me having non-hodgkins follicular lymphoma? No.
My 17 year old son, who has his driver's permit took me for a drive for the first time today. He has had his permit for a couple of months but today was the first time I brought myself to drive with him. My husband has taken him out many times but today was my first.
It is a strange feeling having your child drive you for the first time. Im not sure who was more nervous, him or me. When we got into the car, Jacob said to me, "Mom, now don't freak out or anything."
He knows me so well. But not well enough...as he was pulling out of the driveway I couldn't help myself. I screamed "AAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!" He slammed on the breaks and looked at me with an expression of panic. I turned to him and said, " You mean don't freak out like that?"
BAHAHAHAHA he didn't think it was as funny as I did.
Seriously though, he did well and my life didn't really flash before my eyes but I thought it would make a dramatic title for this post. :)

Change of Plans

Today I was supposed to go for my first Rituxan maintnance infusion. I have changed my mind and decided to "watch and wait". It is so hard to know what the right course of treatment is. For now I feel at peace with this decision. I will go to my oncologist every three months and get scanned at 6 months to check on tumor growth. Hopefully there wont be any new tumor growth at my next scan.
As I mentioned in my last post...I have changed my way of eating. There are a lot of testimonies out there about a raw foods diet possibly helping to reverse cancer in a person. I figure, even if it doesn't help reverse the cancer at least I will be eating healthier and lose some weight and my kids will be healthier too.
My daughter seems to have been a natural born vegetarian as she has never been much of a fan of meat. At 12 months old she would munch on a leaf of lettuce but had no interest in a piece of chicken nugget. So this change is no big deal to her since she pretty much has been a vegetarian for her 5 years of life already by natural choice.
My boys on the other hand are still adjusting...

Becoming a Health Food Junkie

Soooooo, I have decided to change my way of eating. Not just my way of eating but my whole family's. We have gone vegetarian. We have cut out meats from our diet and I will slowly be changing over to a mostly all raw foods diet.
It has been 1 week and my kids are still alive and not only that, I made a meal tonight that all of them liked except one. 5 out of 6 is not bad at all. It was called black bean pie and I think it will become one of our regular transition meals.
My oldest son, age 17, is not thrilled with this change to a vegeatarian diet. I was snooping through his cell phone pictures and found that he has taken a picture of each dinner to show his friends what I am making him eat. What I am torturing him with. Hehe Last night was apricot lentil soup and I have to admit the picture looks like vomit. lol
I am juicing carrot apple juice every day and drinking it. I about gagged when I smelled it under my nose when I took my first sip. Keep in mind that I have never liked carrots, raw or cooked. But once I got over the smell I was very surprised at how tasty it is.
I have found out that I like lettuce and tomato sandwiches on flaxseed bread. I have found out that I can eat bean sprouts in my salad and not think about eating grass. My goal is to eventually be eating a completely organic. vegan, raw foods diet.
I had a short period a few years ago where I went to a vegetarian diet. I enojyed it but slowly fell off the vegetarian cart. I have a whole new inspiration now, healing for me and preventing cancer in my own children.
Yes, I am now one of "THOSE" people. A health food nut.

Firsts

My kids started back to school on Thursday. One had his first day in middle school. I was so nervous for him but he did great and so did all my kids. My baby had her first day of kindergarten. She also lost her first tooth last week. My baby is growing up!

Half packed and no where to go

Today is the third Wednesday...we were supposed to have settlement on our house and on the new house. We found out a few days before settlement that our buyer was denied his mortgage. I had half the house packed up, I had transferred the children to start the new school year at the new school. 4 days before school is to start up I had to transfer them back to this school system. I refuse to unpack the boxes. So our house is back on the market.
There is some good news though. My recent scan showed that the tumors were reduced by about 50%. I have decided to pull out of the clinical trial and do maintenance infusions every 3 months, out of the trial. I go for my next infusion 2 Wednesdays from today.
So I am dealing with the disappointment of another contract to sell our house falling through while trying to be happy that there has been a reduction in tumor size in my lymph system. The news that there has been a reduction in the follicular lymphoma is good news but there will always be the fact that the cancer is still there looming over my head. That is something I just have to learn to live with.

3 Weeks of Wednesdays

This Wednesday I go for a repeat full body CT scan to check on the cancer. They will compare the scan to my last one 3 months ago and compare if and how much the lymphnodes have gone down. I will be curious to find out if this lump in my abdomen is a very enlarged node or something else.
Next Wednesday I go back to the oncologist to find out the results of the scan and discuss what the next step in treatment will be. This being an incurable cancer (at this time) the next step in treatment will most likely be maintenance Rituxan treatments. That would be 1 infusion every 3 months. Or I could be put into the arm of the clinical trial that will put me on "watch and wait" or as I like to call "worry and stress". I would be scanned every 6 months and retreated with 4 weeks of weekly Rituxan infusions only if I have an increase in the cancer again. Other options will be discussed if I did not have enough of a good reaction to the initial 4 infusions of Rituxan.
The Wednesday after that...we are supposed to have settlement on the house we are selling and the house we are buying. I have been busy sorting through the 10 years of junk that we have collected in this house. You don't realize just how much stuff you can accumulate in 10 years until you get ready to move!
There is just something about Wednesdays for me...

Reasons for Hope

There are so many ups and downs in dealing with this cancer. Over the past few weeks I have felt the enlarged nodes in my head, neck and chest go down to what feels to me close to normal size. So, I was terribly surprised to find a rather large lump in my abdomen the other night. The largest one I have felt thus far. Why are they going down in one area and growing larger in another? That is not a question that I have an answer to yet.
Just as many articles can stir up fears in follicular lymphoma cancer patients of it being incurable, dying an early death, ect... I am also reading many more that are able to stir up hope. More and more treatments coming along that are giving follicular patients longer and longer response times and even remissions. Today I read of treatment with Bexxar again. Trials have been done that shows a few years of remission after treatments with Rituxan and convention chemotherapy stops working. There are many treatment options available and more and more becoming available each year. It is very good to read such articles that give hope in available treatments.

Hippo Kisses

We went to the Adventure Aquarium in Camden, NJ recently and I was kissed by a hippo. A great escape from the heat and fun for the whole family. Here are a few more pictures from that day.

Relocating

It has been a hectic week. We signed contracts to sell our house and signed contracts to buy another one. A month ago we took our house off the market and decided to stay where we were and add on. What a surprise when a month later we signed contracts. I guess that shows to never give up.

We will be moving to Salem County, out to the country. It will be a big change for all of us in the family and will change the photography business somewhat. I have taken a break from the business since May while dealing with the cancer and treatments. So, I will be anxious to get back into the swing of things come September after we settle into the new house.

I will continue with the "People in my life" series as soon as I can.

Person 1 - Gentle Bear

My husband - A motorcycle riding, steel mill worker. Gruff on the outside with a loud booming voice. Gentle and cuddly on the inside with strong conservative morals. When he is angry his nostrils flare like an angry bull. However, in the 18 years that we have been married, I have never heard him cuss. He is an extremely strong man with a tattoo and an earring. He is also a very sweet man who lets his daughter and wife brush and braid his beard. I think the above image captures him and his personality very well and an edgier edit of that image is below. It shows how editing can really change the feel of a photograph.

My Life's People

As I lay in bed at 4:30 am, wide awake all night again, I began thinking about the people in my life. I think I would like to do a series of photographs of the people who share their life with me. A new expressive photo at least once a week of one of those people. One that tells a story, that you can see through the image something about who they are, not just what they look like. I wonder how many would be willing when I tell them I will be posting the picture on my blog? That would be interesting. Many of the people in my life are very private and may not like the idea. It could be quite a challenge for me. hmmm, we shall see what will happen...

Positive Thinking or Denial?

New York Times article on Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma

The cancer I have, Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma was written about recently in the New York Times. Every time I read something about it, it smacks me the face with the reality of it all. It is a short article and reads easily to understand the basics of the disease. Reading yet again, "cannot be cured" and "typically, patients survive about 10 years after their initial diagnosis" Yes, some have survived longer but that is the average 7 - 10 years.
I try not to think about those things and yet I know I have to. I need to make sure my family is prepared. If I make it to 10 years my youngest child will then be 14 - 15 years old. This is one of those dark days that I have to force myself to face what may happen and to think about what I can do now to make things easier for my family to go on without me later.
I try to stay positive most of the time but where do you draw the line between staying positive and being in denial of reality?
I used to say that denial was my friend. Denial helped comfort me from painful thoughts and memories. Denial has now become my enemy, something I feel I have to fight right along side my fight with this incurable cancer.

Miniature Play

I photographed the play Beauty and the Beast at the Pitman Broadway Theater last week. I thought I would attempt to make the actors and set look as if they were miniature figurines, doll house sized. The play was fantastic. I think it is the best production they have done so far this year. These are my miniaturized version.

Are you sick of...

my cat yet?

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Kidney Stones

After 5 days of pain, I THINK I passed these darn kidney stones. I woke up and had no pain throughout the day today. I did dream last night that I passed a kidney stone. In my dream I looked in the toilet and what I thought was a kidney stone that I passed was actually an electrode thingy that they put on you in the hospital. Haha, what makes us dream such things?